I have decided that in order to keep myself slightly more accountable, I am going to attempt to use this blog as a way of keeping track of my daily food intake and activity.
From now on, expect to see a post a day with a list of what I've eaten that day, along with any movement or activity I've done. I will also likely include any thoughts or feelings on the day. I will not necessarily be tracking any stats, like calories or protein, because, as previously mentioned, I do not feel that this sort of militancy is beneficial for me personally. On some days, I may take an inventory of these stats to gauge things but it will not be an every day thing.
Should I feel the need to share how I made or where I got what I ate, I will do so but also feel free to ask if something you see strikes you. I am always happy to share what foods have been beneficial to me on this journey.
I will still continue to write other random blog entries as they come to me. I realize not everyone cares to read someone else's daily food and activity journal so feel free to skip any blogs with titles that are just the day and date as these will be my food and activity logs.
As always, thank you guys soooo much for your support and encouragement!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Revenge of the Cookie Monster
I've probably mentioned this before but if not, I work in a bakery. A BAKERY! My family owns a wholesale bakery where I am currently working as I await my transatlantic move this fall.
Needless to say, a bakery is far from the best place for a food addict/compulsive overeater like myself to be working. I was doing so well last week. I had gone a week and a half without having a single cookie but yesterday I cracked. Hormones were too much for me and I cracked and for some reason I let yesterday's slip up, slide right into today. I cracked again.
Granted the 2 1/2 cookies I've had over the past two days is loads less then I was consuming prior to my refocusing on my "rules"/plan/self love/abstinence/whatever the hell you want to call it. I do notice now that I am striving to eat more WLS friendly, as well as in a way to prevent the urge to binge, the cookies are almost too much for me to handle. Still, I cracked.
For a normal person this wouldn't be such a big deal but sadly, for me, someone with a food/sugar addiction, it can be if I don't acknowledge it. I do/am acknowledging it though. I know that I need to start looking inward and see just why I am reaching for cookies (besides hormones). It is likely due to the large amount of stress I am under right now, anxiously awaiting my loan to finally be processed so that I can actually start moving forward with my life.
I am not chastising myself for my slips though. That is my old pattern. Shame will get me no where. I love myself regardless of my mistakes. I will learn from them and move on.
Here's to a better afternoon, sans cookies!
Needless to say, a bakery is far from the best place for a food addict/compulsive overeater like myself to be working. I was doing so well last week. I had gone a week and a half without having a single cookie but yesterday I cracked. Hormones were too much for me and I cracked and for some reason I let yesterday's slip up, slide right into today. I cracked again.
Granted the 2 1/2 cookies I've had over the past two days is loads less then I was consuming prior to my refocusing on my "rules"/plan/self love/abstinence/whatever the hell you want to call it. I do notice now that I am striving to eat more WLS friendly, as well as in a way to prevent the urge to binge, the cookies are almost too much for me to handle. Still, I cracked.
For a normal person this wouldn't be such a big deal but sadly, for me, someone with a food/sugar addiction, it can be if I don't acknowledge it. I do/am acknowledging it though. I know that I need to start looking inward and see just why I am reaching for cookies (besides hormones). It is likely due to the large amount of stress I am under right now, anxiously awaiting my loan to finally be processed so that I can actually start moving forward with my life.
I am not chastising myself for my slips though. That is my old pattern. Shame will get me no where. I love myself regardless of my mistakes. I will learn from them and move on.
Here's to a better afternoon, sans cookies!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Importance of Taking Your Pills!
I am not even talking about vitamins here.
For me, I am talking about my two non-vitamin pills, Prilosec and Wellbutrin.
Surprisingly enough, these two pills are just as important to my WLS success as my vitamins are. Why? You ask?
Well, I was diagnosed with depression about 8 years ago. Through therapy and medication, I've been able to live a healthy and, for the most part, happy life, despite what, for some people, can be a debilitating illness. Not to say I don't struggle. Hell, I got to 350 pounds, in large part due to my depression and challenges I've had learning how to cope with some of it's symptoms. (I learned to cope, just not in the most healthy way. Eating served it's purpose but it was "hurting" me along the way.)
In order to assist in my recovery from depression, I take Wellbutrin. I know there are mixed views on medications. It took me a long time to decide to go down that path myself and I do not have any intentions of being on them for the rest of my life, if I can so help it. I have only been on medication intermittently over the last 7 years. When I find that my disease impedes me from living my normal every day life or I am faced with a rather large and emotional challenge that I am struggling to handle on my own through other means (ie my recent job loss), I do seek medical attention which often will lead to my going back on medications to help me "get over the hump". Because, when it comes down to it, my brain don't work quite right. It's chemicals are just a little off key sometimes. I do know and truly believe this disease can be fought without any sort of chemical substance but I am not yet in the place where I feel I can go it alone so for now I take my minimal dose of Wellbutrin, along with working with a therapist and making healthy choices.
One of the admitted downfalls of taking any medication is that I notice when I've missed a dose, like today. My morning got off track today and I managed to forget my pills. While I feel fine emotionally, I do notice my brain skipping around more then it would when I remember my medication. This skipping around and lack of focus can often lead to grazing and eating whatever's on hand. Not so good for someone trying to follow her WLS rules. I am aware of this fact though and am making a conscious and concerted effort to push through the skipping brain and not graze.
The second pill is Prilosec. This one is to keep my acid reflux in check and it plays an über-vital roll in my WLS success. You see even after surgery I was always hungry. I didn't get it. I would eat and would often end up even more hungry right afterwards. I thought I was going totally insane or my surgery didn't work so I called my surgeon's office. To my surprise the PA said it was likely acid reflux. I was completely confused. "But my chest doesn't hurt? There's no burning or strange taste in my mouth? I'm just hungry!" She explained that when your stomach is empty, there is no food to help keep the acids down, so when the acids start coming up, your body's own defense mechanism is to ask for food to push it back down.
So, while reluctant, I began her suggested Prilosec regiment and within two weeks time I noticed a vast difference. No longer was I constantly feeling hungry. No more did I get hungry immediately after I ate. I could now actually trust my hunger sensations as they were true cues it was time to eat. That stickily wig of it though is that one day sans Prilosec and am a ravenous pig! Like today! All day long my stomach has been gurgling and bubbling and feeling like it hasn't been fed in days. I have learned to push through this (it was my own fault for forgetting my pills in the first place) but man does it suck to feel like you are starving all day long!
It just goes to show how connected all of our parts really are and how important it is to focus on our whole self and not neglect one thing for another. Wellness for the entire self.
(P.S. If you are struggling with physical hunger I definitely suggest checking with your doctor to see if it might actually be acid reflux. I am sooo glad I did!)
For me, I am talking about my two non-vitamin pills, Prilosec and Wellbutrin.
Surprisingly enough, these two pills are just as important to my WLS success as my vitamins are. Why? You ask?
Well, I was diagnosed with depression about 8 years ago. Through therapy and medication, I've been able to live a healthy and, for the most part, happy life, despite what, for some people, can be a debilitating illness. Not to say I don't struggle. Hell, I got to 350 pounds, in large part due to my depression and challenges I've had learning how to cope with some of it's symptoms. (I learned to cope, just not in the most healthy way. Eating served it's purpose but it was "hurting" me along the way.)
In order to assist in my recovery from depression, I take Wellbutrin. I know there are mixed views on medications. It took me a long time to decide to go down that path myself and I do not have any intentions of being on them for the rest of my life, if I can so help it. I have only been on medication intermittently over the last 7 years. When I find that my disease impedes me from living my normal every day life or I am faced with a rather large and emotional challenge that I am struggling to handle on my own through other means (ie my recent job loss), I do seek medical attention which often will lead to my going back on medications to help me "get over the hump". Because, when it comes down to it, my brain don't work quite right. It's chemicals are just a little off key sometimes. I do know and truly believe this disease can be fought without any sort of chemical substance but I am not yet in the place where I feel I can go it alone so for now I take my minimal dose of Wellbutrin, along with working with a therapist and making healthy choices.
One of the admitted downfalls of taking any medication is that I notice when I've missed a dose, like today. My morning got off track today and I managed to forget my pills. While I feel fine emotionally, I do notice my brain skipping around more then it would when I remember my medication. This skipping around and lack of focus can often lead to grazing and eating whatever's on hand. Not so good for someone trying to follow her WLS rules. I am aware of this fact though and am making a conscious and concerted effort to push through the skipping brain and not graze.
The second pill is Prilosec. This one is to keep my acid reflux in check and it plays an über-vital roll in my WLS success. You see even after surgery I was always hungry. I didn't get it. I would eat and would often end up even more hungry right afterwards. I thought I was going totally insane or my surgery didn't work so I called my surgeon's office. To my surprise the PA said it was likely acid reflux. I was completely confused. "But my chest doesn't hurt? There's no burning or strange taste in my mouth? I'm just hungry!" She explained that when your stomach is empty, there is no food to help keep the acids down, so when the acids start coming up, your body's own defense mechanism is to ask for food to push it back down.
So, while reluctant, I began her suggested Prilosec regiment and within two weeks time I noticed a vast difference. No longer was I constantly feeling hungry. No more did I get hungry immediately after I ate. I could now actually trust my hunger sensations as they were true cues it was time to eat. That stickily wig of it though is that one day sans Prilosec and am a ravenous pig! Like today! All day long my stomach has been gurgling and bubbling and feeling like it hasn't been fed in days. I have learned to push through this (it was my own fault for forgetting my pills in the first place) but man does it suck to feel like you are starving all day long!
It just goes to show how connected all of our parts really are and how important it is to focus on our whole self and not neglect one thing for another. Wellness for the entire self.
(P.S. If you are struggling with physical hunger I definitely suggest checking with your doctor to see if it might actually be acid reflux. I am sooo glad I did!)
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Three Kinds of Hunger
I have a theory. This is my theory so take from it what you will.
There are three kinds of hunger:
This is actual, physical hunger. Our body telling you "Hey you! Running low on fuel down here, please send some pronto." This is the hunger where we can feel and hear our innards gurgle in request of nutrients. This is the simplest form of hunger.
Head Hunger
This hunger doesn't live in our belly. This one lives in our brain. This is where cravings come from. We are flipping channels on the t.v. and stop on the Food Network a little too long and all of a sudden we think we need some macaroni and cheese. Or maybe it's while we are walking down the mall one lovely afternoon buying ourself some new post weight loss fashions and we smell the Cinnabon wafting down the corridor. Without even knowing it, we find ourself drawn down the corridor, past all the cute clothes, to the line of drones waiting to satisfy their sweet tooth with the ooey-gooey goodness.
Sometimes we are aware when we switch into head hunger mode, sometimes not. Companies are very very good about being subtle in their mind tricks to get us to buy and eat their products. We are also far more susceptible to head hunger when we haven't yet addressed the stomach hunger that may be coming over the horizon. This is why it's so important to really listen to your stomach hunger and make sure you never let it go too far unchecked or else your head might start to take over.
Heart Hunger
This is the most complex and complicated of the three hungers because so often we don't know exactly what triggered it. This is not due to actual physical need or being triggered by outside stimulus. Rather this hunger lives in our hearts. This is the hunger that is so hard for so many of us to see or even feel because by quenching the hunger with food we subdue whatever it is we are really craving, at least for a short while.
This is what so many over eaters call boredom, but what I prefer to call restlessness. If we were truly just bored, we'd go do something, not eat something. Instead we are restless, we don't know what we want so we eat to fill the void. The problem with this? Food isn't really what we want. Since it's not what our heart truly desires, we just keep doing it and doing it and doing it to no avail. Eventually our hearts are weighted down with so much restlessness and lack of satisfaction from our eating that we feel shame and guilt. How do we cure shame and guilt? We eat. And the cycle begins again.
How do we break the cycle? (I am still working on this part of the theory!) We must learn to sit with our restlessness for a moment. Talk to it. Be nice but firm. Asking it what it really wants. Write to it, if talking doesn't work. Hell, sing to it, if that works. Somewhere deep in our hearts there is an answer to our question. There is truth. We do know what we need, we've just anesthetized it for so long with food, it may take time and patience to get to the truth.
It won't be easy. It will be uncomfortable, and scary, and frustrating at times. Feeling our true feelings can be truly overwhelming after so many years of eating them away instead. When we eat to fill our heart, we become numb. Numb to what it and we, ourselves, really need. Deaf to what it's saying and blind to what it's showing us. Once we begin to patiently ask our hearts what it needs from us, we begin to learn that it's most definitely not food.
Today is a day I need to talk gently and listen carefully to my heart as it's been trying to tell me something.
I am listening little heart and I promise not to try and shut you up with food.
There are three kinds of hunger:
- Stomach Hunger
- Head Hunger
- Heart Hunger
This is actual, physical hunger. Our body telling you "Hey you! Running low on fuel down here, please send some pronto." This is the hunger where we can feel and hear our innards gurgle in request of nutrients. This is the simplest form of hunger.
Head Hunger
This hunger doesn't live in our belly. This one lives in our brain. This is where cravings come from. We are flipping channels on the t.v. and stop on the Food Network a little too long and all of a sudden we think we need some macaroni and cheese. Or maybe it's while we are walking down the mall one lovely afternoon buying ourself some new post weight loss fashions and we smell the Cinnabon wafting down the corridor. Without even knowing it, we find ourself drawn down the corridor, past all the cute clothes, to the line of drones waiting to satisfy their sweet tooth with the ooey-gooey goodness.
Sometimes we are aware when we switch into head hunger mode, sometimes not. Companies are very very good about being subtle in their mind tricks to get us to buy and eat their products. We are also far more susceptible to head hunger when we haven't yet addressed the stomach hunger that may be coming over the horizon. This is why it's so important to really listen to your stomach hunger and make sure you never let it go too far unchecked or else your head might start to take over.
Heart Hunger
This is the most complex and complicated of the three hungers because so often we don't know exactly what triggered it. This is not due to actual physical need or being triggered by outside stimulus. Rather this hunger lives in our hearts. This is the hunger that is so hard for so many of us to see or even feel because by quenching the hunger with food we subdue whatever it is we are really craving, at least for a short while.
This is what so many over eaters call boredom, but what I prefer to call restlessness. If we were truly just bored, we'd go do something, not eat something. Instead we are restless, we don't know what we want so we eat to fill the void. The problem with this? Food isn't really what we want. Since it's not what our heart truly desires, we just keep doing it and doing it and doing it to no avail. Eventually our hearts are weighted down with so much restlessness and lack of satisfaction from our eating that we feel shame and guilt. How do we cure shame and guilt? We eat. And the cycle begins again.
How do we break the cycle? (I am still working on this part of the theory!) We must learn to sit with our restlessness for a moment. Talk to it. Be nice but firm. Asking it what it really wants. Write to it, if talking doesn't work. Hell, sing to it, if that works. Somewhere deep in our hearts there is an answer to our question. There is truth. We do know what we need, we've just anesthetized it for so long with food, it may take time and patience to get to the truth.
It won't be easy. It will be uncomfortable, and scary, and frustrating at times. Feeling our true feelings can be truly overwhelming after so many years of eating them away instead. When we eat to fill our heart, we become numb. Numb to what it and we, ourselves, really need. Deaf to what it's saying and blind to what it's showing us. Once we begin to patiently ask our hearts what it needs from us, we begin to learn that it's most definitely not food.
Today is a day I need to talk gently and listen carefully to my heart as it's been trying to tell me something.
I am listening little heart and I promise not to try and shut you up with food.
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