AH-HA LIST - The signs and symptoms of a job well-done.

What is it about beating ourselves up? 

It seems I spend an exorbitant amount of time berating myself for "mistakes" made, poor choices, and sheer laziness.  And you know where this gets me?  On a short shame train to Miseryville.  Why?  Because, all it really does is create a shame cycle.  I start beating myself up for beating myself up!  Talk about counter-productive!

Every day I do my best to work on this; to be gentle and kind and loving with myself.  Of course, this is not always easy but it's a start.

Part of trying to be more kind with myself is cherishing my "ah-ha moments".  Those moments where it clicks, when all the work I've done, all the pain I went through, all the small meals and long walks seem so well worth it.  When even despite my self-perceived "shortcomings" can't compare to the greatness I am feeling.  So, in an effort to keep the positive at the forefront of my mind, rather then the negative, I've begun making a list of these moments, to which I will add whenever one pops out at me.  So, in my darker moments, I can have something concrete to remind me that I have already accomplished so much and I am in control of accomplishing even more.

So, without further ado, here is the beginning of my Ah-Ha List:

• Totally bypassing old clothes.  Let me explain...I have a massive range of sizes in my closet from my ever yo-yoing weight.  Prior to my surgery, I went through all my clothes and packed up the clothes that were too small into bins.  I knew I would eventually be back into them but at that moment they were far too small to wear.  Since my surgery, I have often forgotten about the bins sitting in the basement and by the time I go fishing through them I have already sailed right past and out of a number of the pieces of clothing in there.  I have had the joy of reclaiming old clothes as well but actually being too big for clothes that used to be too small is a pretty amazing feeling.  I still have some stuff waiting for me in those bins and I am trying to remember to check them more often so I can at least enjoy them even for a moment before they too become too big.
• My polish sausage legs are looking more and more like sausage links now.  It's been YEARS since I have donned shorts but with the advent of "Bermuda shorts" and my less beefy legs, I've actually welcomed the opportunity to let my white legs free.  I even have a rather itty-bitty skort I enjoy wearing from time to time. 
• I can cross aforementioned sausage links!  Prior to surgery, crossing my legs was out of the question, as was sitting with one leg tucked under me (which was a favorite position to sit in as a child).  Now, I can cross my legs with abandon!  (Only in one direction though, not sure what that is about.  Anyone else have this?)  I can also tuck one leg under me and find it oh so comforting.  It reminds me of being a kid and sitting like that and letting my free leg swing. 
• Chairs with arms no longer send a shock wave of fear down my body.  I no longer scan waiting rooms for a couch or armless chair to sit in.  This one is a BIG for me as my not fitting into armed chairs was actually one of the things that helped push me towards WLS.  After a very uncomfortable meal in an armed chair at a lovely restaurant in Paris, I knew something had to give.  (Even now, thinking about that meal makes me want to cry.  That was one of my most miserable fat moments.)  So from now on, whenever I sit comfortably in an armed chair, I can't help but feel a huge rush of gratitude as I do my internal happy dance.
• Mirrors and large windows don't send me screaming for the hills.  Prior to WLS, I avoided mirrors and large reflective surfaces like the plaque.  If I did encounter them, I never looked at the reflection.  I would find something else to keep my attention.  Since surgery, I find myself actually surprised by what I see looking back at me.  When I really study myself in the mirror at home I often don't see the difference between me then and me now.  It's moments when I am walking by a store window and look over quickly that I really see it.  I am so surprised by all that's changed, that it takes me a moment to even realize that that not so bulky figure, is me!
• Boobs, glorious boobs!  At my heaviest my shape was round, with little definition in my waist.  Since loosing weight I have rediscovered a body shape other then round  My boobs now actually stick out further then my stomach.  My stomach almost looks flat in the right clothing!  I am grateful that I have not lost much weight at all in my decolletage as being a little busty has always been a feature of mine with which I am comfortable.

While these few things may seem like small things, they all add up to some really big important things.  They are signs and symptoms of all the work I have done.  I may have bad days but even on those days I try and remind myself of all the ah-ha's I've been lucky enough to have on this journey.  There are loads more then these and in time I will reveal even more. 

In the meantime, what have been some of your ah-ha moments on your WLS journey?