Positivity ain't easy! You'd think it would be but for some strange reason it's not.
Right now I am struggling. Despite relishing in my ah-ha moments yesterday, I am really struggling.
At the moment, my life is far from what I want it to be and to put it bluntly, it sucks. Not being where you want to be in life is a miserable feeling. I know that I am the only one who can change it and I have been working on it (see my other blog) but it's not there yet and won't be for a while. I am unhappy and what do I do when I am unhappy? I eat. Surgery or not. I eat.
To make matters worse, I am currently working in my parents' bakery. Yes, you read that right, BAKERY. Needless to say, it's not the ideal place for someone like myself to be spend 40 hours a week. There are goodies all around. Some days I am really good and don't touch a thing. Other days, like today, I am constantly munching on a cookie here, cupcake there and before I know it, I have probably consumed 5 times what I should have for the day. Then I begin my lovely shame cycle.
I know that eating is my coping mechanism. I get that. I also know that while at some point it was beneficial to me, it no longer is. I am trying to figure out just how to love myself enough to get to the point where I can cope without turning to food. So far, it seems rather elusive. I know what I need to do but still I struggle.
So this was one of my forewarned woe-is-me blogs because today I am struggling...
Showing posts with label Escaping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Escaping. Show all posts
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Food and Thoughts - A Cage for Emotions
One of the biggest challenges in this whole WLS journey has been emotional eating. Let's be honest, for most obese people, a lot of our issues with food stem from something deeper then just the good taste of banana cream pie.
I am no different. I KNOW that all of my "issues" with food stem from my emotions. I KNOW that I eat when I am feeling stressed, lonely, tired, bored, sad, or even happy. I KNOW all of this but I am starting to realize that while I KNOW all this, I have not let myself FEEL it for years.
In order to protect myself from myself I turn to food. But, I don't just turn to food, I also disengage. I live in my head. I am an intellectual type person. I think and think and over-think everything. In a way this is a HUGE defense mechanism. Thinking is my way of disengaging. I can rationalize my emotions and therefor not have to actually feel them and, in turn, deal with them.
I THINK I am dealing with them by thinking about them but really I am just rationalizing, which is definitely not the same as dealing with them. In order to face ones emotional shortcomings (though I am not sure I like that word as it has a negative connotation - will have to work on finding a more fitting word), one must actually face them. I am just now starting to work on that. It's a slow and arduous process as I am trying to retrain long standing habits that I once believed were helping.
I know now that through both food and thinking, I believed I was helping myself, preserving myself from feeling too much. The thing is, there is no such thing as feeling too much. There is no emotion too big that I can't handle. (Again, this is my brain talking. My heart still doesn't fully believe or grasp this concept.)
So, how am I combating this? I can't really put it in to words as the process is all still new to me. I am trying to listen to my heart more. When I feel an urge to eat or zone out into thinking too much, I try and stop for a moment to be present in whatever it is that is causing me to want to retreat. Most of the time this is very hard as my instinct is to flee into my head or the ice cream bowl. I've had a couple mini-breakthrough moments but it is still very much a battle for me.
This is where I am right now in the process. I am working through and trying to better identify what I am truly FEELING and let myself actually FEEL it, even the bad stuff. If I need to break down in order to breakthrough, so be it. I know once I better learn to let myself FEEL just what is actually there rather then trying to eat or think it away, I will be able to better move on and let go. Because really, until I can do all that, I am just rehashing and falling victim to my own caged emotions.
I am no different. I KNOW that all of my "issues" with food stem from my emotions. I KNOW that I eat when I am feeling stressed, lonely, tired, bored, sad, or even happy. I KNOW all of this but I am starting to realize that while I KNOW all this, I have not let myself FEEL it for years.
In order to protect myself from myself I turn to food. But, I don't just turn to food, I also disengage. I live in my head. I am an intellectual type person. I think and think and over-think everything. In a way this is a HUGE defense mechanism. Thinking is my way of disengaging. I can rationalize my emotions and therefor not have to actually feel them and, in turn, deal with them.
I THINK I am dealing with them by thinking about them but really I am just rationalizing, which is definitely not the same as dealing with them. In order to face ones emotional shortcomings (though I am not sure I like that word as it has a negative connotation - will have to work on finding a more fitting word), one must actually face them. I am just now starting to work on that. It's a slow and arduous process as I am trying to retrain long standing habits that I once believed were helping.
I know now that through both food and thinking, I believed I was helping myself, preserving myself from feeling too much. The thing is, there is no such thing as feeling too much. There is no emotion too big that I can't handle. (Again, this is my brain talking. My heart still doesn't fully believe or grasp this concept.)
So, how am I combating this? I can't really put it in to words as the process is all still new to me. I am trying to listen to my heart more. When I feel an urge to eat or zone out into thinking too much, I try and stop for a moment to be present in whatever it is that is causing me to want to retreat. Most of the time this is very hard as my instinct is to flee into my head or the ice cream bowl. I've had a couple mini-breakthrough moments but it is still very much a battle for me.
This is where I am right now in the process. I am working through and trying to better identify what I am truly FEELING and let myself actually FEEL it, even the bad stuff. If I need to break down in order to breakthrough, so be it. I know once I better learn to let myself FEEL just what is actually there rather then trying to eat or think it away, I will be able to better move on and let go. Because really, until I can do all that, I am just rehashing and falling victim to my own caged emotions.
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