The Bitter Truth of It All

Why do I overeat?

Well, as previously stated, I am an addict.  But, it's not that simple.  As with any addict, we use our addictions to self medicate or relieve some mental/emotional affliction.  I am no different.

So what's my affliction?  Simply put, I don't much like myself.  At the core, I see myself as hopelessly flawed and unworthy of love and happiness.  While I eat to self medicate to a degree, I also eat as some sort of punishment.  I know if I overeat, make poor choices, and graze all day, I will beat myself up and some part of myself thinks this is what I deserve.  I deserve to be beaten down and punished.

I know some people may look down on me for admitting all this.  We are supposed to love ourselves and all that jazz.  I know this is true, trust me I do, but getting to that place has been nearly impossible for me.  I try and focus on all my wonderful qualities but more often then not, the praise feels superficial and unrealistic.

Why do I loathe myself so?  I am sure a psychologist would have a field day mapping this one out.  I am certain it's not one specific thing but rather a combination of things.  A combo of society's messages, childhood traumas, and just plain self insecurities.

I am coming to realize all of these issues more and more since my surgery.  While I knew this stuff before, I didn't really let myself feel it.  I could eat my way through it.  Now that my food intake is more limited (despite admitted attempts to change this), I cannot lean on it as much.  I am forced to feel the self loathing and it's not very much fun at all (eating was definitely far more enjoyable).

Does this mean I regret the surgery?  No way!  No how!  I needed this.  I need to face this demon or else I'll never get the monkey of my back and I will never live as full and complete of a life as I have every right to live.

I AM trying to work through this.  It's probably been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  Facing your own self worth is not an easy task because the insecurities and dislike one feels are so deeply rooted and ingrained.  But, I AM going to make it through because while I may not FEEL I deserve love and compassion, I KNOW I do.  So, in time my sad little heart will be in line with my head and I will be able to live the life I've always known I could.